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The #1 Reason You Suffer (and How to Overcome It)

Posted on October 28, 2023

Video version of this post:

If you think for a moment, all that you do in life boils down to one of two reasons:

And if we define happiness as the absence of suffering, we can reduce it even further. 

The question then is: Why do we suffer?

The answer is because of attachment. 

Now, attachment is usually associated with relationships. But I want you to become aware that we can be attached to anything. To mention a few, you can become attached to 

What is attachment?

Attachment is the outcome of fear, of various forms of loneliness, emptiness.. -Jiddu Krishnamurti

One day, while strolling, I saw a woman walking her dog. The dog wanted to play with the trees, and the owner had to hold the dog's leash so that it would follow the path. That's when I wondered why we need to control everything?

This compulsive need for control is what I call attachment. 

Controlling itself is not the problem. After all, our main drive as living creatures is to survive. And trying to predict the future can help us avoid disasters and thrive. Since the dawn of civilization, we have become better at controlling our environment. 

The problem is that controlling gives us a false sense of security. After all, nothing is certain. You may be married, but this doesn't mean your partner will be loyal to you. Or you may have the perfect job, but one day, you may lose it.

This leads us to a Catch-22: we suffer because we don't have something. But once we have it, we suffer because we fear losing it.

Why do we get attached in the first place?

The reason we get attached to things, people, or experiences is because there is a degree of emptiness and dissatisfaction within us. We try to get rid of this feeling, and there are many ways one can do it. Any of the bullet points from above can serve as a way of escaping from this emptiness.

The most obvious way is by doing drugs. But many activities are approved by society that accomplish the same goal. Few people will object to you if you want a family, a successful career, or a pet. Of course, there is nothing wrong with them. What we are trying to understand are the reasons behind our actions. 

The reason we associate attachment with romantic relationships is that falling in love is quite addictive. After all, love is the most beautiful thing in the universe. Yet, if you come from a place of lack, it's easy to get attached to those beautiful feelings. 

At the same time, it's very easy to confuse love and attachment. But they are different. The problem is that we usually see both go together. Sadly, in our society, we often don't see examples of healthy expressions of love in relationships. It's even seen as normal to be jealous, as this means that you love your partner more.

Detachment is NOT indifference

If attachment is the root of suffering, then detachment is the solution. However, many people confuse detachment with indifference.

Let me illustrate it with an example. Think of solving a jigsaw puzzle. Being attached means completing it and then being unwilling to get rid of it. Indifference means you don't care about it at all. You don't care whether you finish it or not. Detachment means working passionately to solve it but being OK with destroying it or starting again after its completion.

Another analogy is when kids do sand castles on the beach. Some kids get very upset if their castle gets damaged by water or someone else. Others don't care whether they build something nice and don't put much effort. Finally, another group of kids will put all their efforts into trying to build the coolest castle. But at the end of the day, they know the waves will destroy it.  

You may say that the examples above were about games. But life itself is a game! After all, you are gonna die anyway. In a nutshell, detachment is about outcome independence. You put your best effort into doing whatever you do, but you don't rest your happiness on it. 

If you are with me, you may think, "This sounds reasonable, but how do I get rid of my attachments??" 

How to let go of your attachments: a two-part exercise

Ultimately, removing attachments is about letting go of control. This is tricky because even though you may agree with all the points above rationally, your feelings won't. And this will be the biggest obstacle. 

To overcome the issue, we will attack it from two angles: the mind side and the emotions side. 

This will be a practical exercise, so I encourage you to pick something you are attached to. It can be a person, a thing, an experience, a pet, etc. You can start with something small or big. 

Choosing something small has the advantage of being easier to do and helps you gain traction. The drawback is that the benefit will be also smaller. On the other hand, choosing something big has the advantage of eliminating lots of suffering from your life. However, because of that, it may take longer, or you may be unable to do the whole process. 

For the sake of the exercise, let's say you feel jealous of your partner. As I mentioned, we will attack the problem from two angles: the mind side and the feelings side.

Mind side exercise:

The goal of this exercise is to understand at a rational level the reasons behind our attachments. Many times, we are not even aware of them, so it's a good starting point. Also, you can do it at any moment. 

You don't have to do this exercise all at once. I recommend starting with a couple of questions at a time and coming back to them regularly. 

Ask yourself the following questions:

Ultimately, you have to be completely OK with letting the other person go, at least at a conceptual level. Of course, this doesn't mean you have to. Remember that you can love without attachment. 

However, you may realize that you are in a relationship for the "wrong" reasons, that is, from a place of lack instead of completeness. For example, you may have gotten into a relationship because you felt lonely. Ask yourself: Would I have gotten into the relationship if I were satisfied with myself?

Emotions side exercise:

The goal of this exercise is to learn to live with the emotions instead of escaping them. After all, that is why we developed attachments in the first place. 

In this example, do the following next time you feel jealous (or any negative emotion associated with the attachment):

A final word: take it easy. 

Dealing with intense negative emotions can be frightening. Nobody wants to feel emotional pain. Talking with others can also be very relieving. I'm happy to hear you if you are facing a hard time right now. 

I started writing after facing lots of psychological pain. Now, all I can do is share the insights I learned with you.

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