Don't Take Yourself Too Seriously
Posted on December 17, 2023
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Not so long ago, it would have been unthinkable for me to write and speak in public on the internet. What if people who know me find me? Wouldn’t that be embarrassing? This and many other questions filled my mind with fear and anxiety.
Today, these questions still pop up inside my mind here and there. Despite that, I continue writing and speaking regardless. What changed then? The answer is simple, yet powerful enough to make a post about it: I stopped taking myself seriously.
In the past, I used to put much of my self-worth into my career and intellectual abilities. As such, I centered my life around work and trying to be the best. In principle, there is nothing wrong with that if it comes from a place of passion about what you are doing. But for me, it was not the case. Instead, I came from a place of fear. Fear of failing, for example. Or not being good enough.
Indeed, a good litmus test for determining whether you are being too serious about something is asking yourself: Am I trying to get positive emotions or avoiding negative ones?
Let’s consider some examples:
- Let’s say you go to the gym often. Do you go because you love the feeling of the workout (or after it) or because you are afraid of gaining weight?
- If you are a workaholic, is it because you love what you do or fear others outcompeting you?
- If you are into self-improvement, is it because you love the feeling of reaching your full potential or because someone told you you should do it?
- If you eat healthy, is it because you love how your body feels and how much energy you have during the day, or because you don’t want to get fat?
Whenever something comes from a place of fear, it hints that you are being too serious about some part of yourself. For example:
- You are afraid of approaching a guy or girl you like because they may ridicule you
- You are fearful of changing careers because of what others may think of you
- You are scared of expressing your opinions because others may disagree with you
- You resist changing your views because of fear of losing your reputation or others mocking you
- You don’t want to make radical (but necessary) changes in your life because you have always done things in a certain way
As you can see, the problem of taking yourself too seriously has profound ramifications in your life. You will be severely limited and stuck in who you are now. And chances are, that’s not great either.
To reach our full potential in life, we have to learn to feel comfortable with not being comfortable. In other words, being OK with making the fool and committing mistakes.
However, when you take yourself too seriously, you put too much value on your current self. And we tend to get attached to whatever we put too much importance on. As a consequence, we get attached to our identity, and we fear changing ourselves. To make things worse, our own minds will make this task more challenging, as I will explain in the following paragraphs.
How our minds protect our identity
At least 99.9% of us are very attached to our identity. I define identity as a set of beliefs, values, and personality traits that determine who you are. To check that’s the case for you, ask yourself if you have felt triggered recently (assuming you don’t have any psychiatric disorder such as PTSD). For example, I used to feel triggered if someone questioned me about my life choices. Physically, I felt this as an intense gut tension. Psychologically, I would try to “defend” myself from the other’s “attack.” As such, I tended to lose my shit and my temper.
Those triggers are automatic, and it’s almost impossible to prevent them. Once they occur, all you can do is try to stay calm and in the present moment. The reason is that your subconscious mind creates those emotional responses to alert you that something is in danger. What is in danger in this case? “You,” but not your physical body. Instead, your identity, who you think you are.
For our minds, there is not much difference between our physical and psychological bodies. In the same way our bodies enter fight-or-flight mode when facing a threatening situation, our minds activate this mechanism when our identities are in danger. Our psyches sense any (perceived) attack on our persona as an alarm. Consequently, it creates the same fight-or-flight response as if it were physical aggression.
The reason our minds react in this way is a survival mechanism. After all, if you weren’t at least somewhat identified with yourself, you wouldn’t care if you survived or died. Nothing wrong with that.
The problem lies in that, for our minds, the death of our psychological body or identity is treated in the same way as if it were our physical body. However, they are quite different. After all, all of us have changed our minds about our beliefs, values, and even personality traits to a lesser or greater degree.
How to stop taking ourselves too seriously
Understanding this resistance to change is crucial to everyone interested in improving themselves. It’s important to understand that it’s almost inevitable to face an internal backlash whenever we do something unusual. We are pattern recognition machines, and everything that we cannot put in a box produces anxiety within us, and it’s classified as dangerous.
Since getting out of our comfort zone doesn’t feel nice, it’s crucial to understand that this is part of the process. To make an analogy, going to the gym is not enough to gain muscle. You need to train hard. And it will feel uncomfortable. Most people stop lifting as soon as the discomfort creeps in. However, most gains are made in the last reps before muscular failure. After regularly going to the gym and seeing the progress, you start to like this feeling that initially felt awful.
Getting out of our comfort zone follows the same dynamic. At first, it will suck. That’s why starting small can be a good idea. Do something that causes a mild but manageable discomfort. Once we start experiencing small victories, we will learn to appreciate this sense of discomfort until it becomes second nature. Be patient, though, because it will be a lifelong process. But you will see benefits sooner rather than later.
Practices such as mindfulness and meditation are also helpful to quiet the mind and to realize that we are not our thoughts (they just come to us). This insight is vital when dealing with negative thoughts and catastrophic scenarios our minds play out when facing our fears.
Finally, on some occasions, you will be presented with situations that will cause fear and anxiety within you. Instead of escaping from them, try (when possible and safe for you) to face them. Whenever you feel triggered, ask yourself (in the moment or later) what part of your identity is being threatened? Can you let go of this part of your identity? This can be particularly powerful in situations we categorize as “bad.”
I learned the hard way that when we hit rock bottom, the most significant growth opportunities arise. In such situations, we have little to lose, so it’s easier to let go of all the bullshit within us and start from a clean slate.
To quote Freud, “One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful.” From my experience, this sentence is 100% true. Now, you need to figure it out yourself if that’s the case.